I stumbled into a deli, hid behind the canned foods and prayed to a God I didn’t believe in to Caught up in the blissful feeling of her body on top of my body, I totally forgot I was on my period and bled all over the bedsheets. Meanwhile, you spent on a blowout and 10 hours strategizing the evening with your friends.5.
She was wearing Balenciaga motorcycle boots and pressed-velvet smoking jacket.“Zara? Strutting around like you’re the hottest shit on the planet, only to realize you have a giant bloodstain on the ass of your stark-white jeans.4.” she asked as she took in the site of a crackhead-looking version of me. Realizing you’re on a date with someone who doesn’t think this is an actual DATE.Having your credit card declined on a date after you ordered the most expensive thing on the menu to seem “cultured.”18.Realizing you accidentally left your wallet at home and realizing that confessing to it sounds like the worst excuse possible.19.My 20s aren’t defined by cool jobs I had, how fast my metabolism was or how deeply I fell in love. When I was 25, I was really into wearing these over-the-top, sky-high, chunky heels.
I blew chunks of barbecue chicken all over the sidewalk, and I was drenched in sweat, body trembling and wildly gagging as my date stood nervously to beside me, unsure of what to say.
Lying and saying “Ew, I don’t smoke” on a date, only to be caught red-handed smoking at an outdoor bar three nights later.23.
Going on a sexy beach date, only to realize people aren’t staring at you because your string bikini is chic; they’re staring at you because your tampon string is hanging out the side of your scanty bikini bottoms.24.
They’ve been shaming you about everything, and they’re criticizing every single entity at the bar, but you still stay on the date.
Maybe you even go home with them because you don’t know how to say no yet.
Making a totally offensive, off-color joke because you’re nervous AF and trying too hard. Accidentally pocket-dialing a new person you’ve seen a few times the very moment you and your friends are discussing bodily functions, pubic hair, exes, crushes and bad hookups.