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“The President did it” is not an excuse Comic Book Guy: Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?

For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Jerry Seinfeld There are very few people who really appreciate my shows.

Bart: There’s only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre.

is not my e-mail address Lisa: You promised to take us to the lake.

Lisa: Actually keeping promises would make you a good father. Man: Ah, sir, you can’t operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.

Soaring majestically like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!

Homer: I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.

Homer: Look, we can sit here all day and play the blame game or we can start freaking people out.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.

I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Jerry Seinfeld When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, ' Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it.