I’m worked up right now, too, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for me to go farther before I’m ready, or that it’s fair to suggest that I should do more than I’m comfortable with because you’re excited. Them: (stammers) You: I don’t mean to put you on the spot, it’s just that I’d rather talk about it together first than just make a move that I’m not sure you want or are ready for.
Plus, we haven’t even talked about this before, and I feel like there’s a lot to talk about. Let me calm down for a minute, and then what do you say we just cuddle up and talk about this – no pressure, just seems like it’d be a good idea to figure out where we both stand and what we need. Alternate Conversation: Them: Can we move this to the bedroom? You won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t feel the same way – I mean, I’d be bummed, but it’s okay -- or don’t feel that way yet.
I also want to be sure that we’re on the same page when it comes to stuff like birth control and safer sex before we actually need any of that stuff.
I think you do, but you’re too upset to have this talk now. Them: I can understand that, even though I wish you felt better. You: Maybe we could spend the time we have together for a while either just snuggling, or doing some different things together? I feel like you get really frustrated with me when I don’t come, and like a lot of the time, it’s seemed easier to just pretend. I feel like such an asshole: I must be awful in bed! Do you want me to keep talking, or do you need a minute? When you get so frustrated, it’s pretty hard for me to stay excited.So, I’m going to go home for now, but I’ll call you in a little bit and we can talk more if you want, or you can call me when you’ve cooled off. I know you like it, so I’ve tried it, but I’m just not into it and it doesn’t make me feel good. You: I was still making up my mind, but I was also worried because it seems like everybody does it and likes it, so I felt like a jerk or a prude and was also really worried you’d just want to find somebody else who would do it. Them: Well, you like and I don’t, and while I wish I did, because it’d make you happy, I know that you wouldn’t want me to do anything I didn’t like, and that sex where we both aren’t into something just isn’t any good. I know you love Chocolate ice cream, but – and this isn’t easy for me to say – I’ve got to be honest, I’m a Mint Chocolate Chip guy. And maybe we could also talk some more about that fight we had last week? Too, I think it’d help if we did more things with sex, or spent more time with those things, that were more likely to get me there.Please just be honest with me when you don’t want to do something, okay? But I’m trying, here, and this is tough for me, too. And I just feel like a loser for thinking things were so good for you when they weren’t, and because what does it say about me if I can’t make you come?You: Well, unless I told you they weren’t, you couldn’t have known.Maybe I’m afraid of hurting your feelings, or of embarrassing myself.
It's also still not easy for me to voice when my disability keeps me from doing things I wish I could do, but I know just don't work for me.You're saying some pretty hurtful things to me, and I don't feel like you're being very considerate of my feelings. It’s just that lately I haven’t been in the mood for sex at all. And I know it does, which is why I’m trying to finally talk about it. It’s not about you being a jerk or being bad in bed.We’re having sex together, so any problems I’m having like this are supposed to be things you care about, too. I wish I was, but I’ve just been so stressed out, these antidepressants are doing a serious number on me, and I also think I’m just feeling unresolved with where we’re at with other parts of our relationship lately. You: I just didn’t want you to feel bad, and I don’t know how to tell you when it’s happening. You: I’m sorry: I can understand you being so upset with me and feeling like that. It’s just that, for starters, I need you to put less pressure on me to orgasm.I don't have a disability, but there are plenty of things I can't do or which don't feel comfortable for me, too.How about we start with the good stuff: that’s easy, right? But it's often painful for me to do it in the position you keep wanting to do it in. So, what can I do to make that even better, and how can we do it so you're comfortable? maybe we could try it like You: I want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me, and it isn’t easy to talk about, but I need to. You: Well, I keep feeling like maybe you don’t understand that just because you’re finished with sex, that doesn’t mean I am. You: You don’t need to feel terrible: I should have said something before now, I was just too nervous.You: Hey – this feels great, and I’d like to keep on doing it if you would, but I just want to press pause for a sec to make sure we’re on the same page. Them: Yeah, I like this too, and if you want to have dry sex, I could be down with that, but that all by itself is great for me, too. Just keep me posted with any changes if you start to feel differently, and I’ll do the same. Alternate Conversation: You: Hey – this feels great, and I’d like to keep on doing it if you would, but I want to stop for a sec to make sure we’re on the same page. (keeps kissing) You: Whoah: it’s really important to me that I take a minute now, so I need you to do that, too. You: You know, if we can’t do things like just take a minute to check in and lay down some boundaries and ground rules – and that’s all I needed to do – while this felt really good, I don’t want to keep going with it. If you’re ready to talk about this another time, you can call me. I’ve been having the hardest time talking about what I like and what I don’t.